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Codependency and Q&A with Ben and Shay

Awaken. Empower. Transform.

@sheleanaaiyana

Exploring our inherited belief systems allows us t

Exploring our inherited belief systems allows us to reclaim our truth. From my recent podcast with @chasejarvis - you can watch it on YouTube or listen iTunes.

There's a lot more nuance to this that I cover in

There's a lot more nuance to this that I cover in my programs, though the point is we do actually have a choice whether or not we're going to indulge in ego drama or step into our adult wisdom when opportunities for conflict present.

It's not that we won't ever have conflict, but there are different ways we can choose to work with the energy. We can indulge our wounds and throw a pity party, we can shut down and test our partners expecting them to chase after us, we can choose to get reactive or be upset even if it's a little thing because we want more attention or energy from our partners - OR we can choose love, we can choose laughter, we can choose play.

This might sound foreign to you, and it may even seem impossible (and it is if you have only one willing partner) however when everyone in the relationship is on board for a harmonious, respectful and happy relationship, transcending chaos and learning how to thrive in a peaceful state is possible.

As long as you both respect each other and genuinely care about meeting each others needs, listening, and giving space for individuality in the partnership, conflict doesn't have to be this drawn out, immature, game-playing dance.

In fact, a lot of the time, you can choose to laugh it off together or get playful rather than indulging in the drama. @evolvingman and I do this with one another a lot, and it's a lot more fun than going head to head over every little thing.

Relationship is a practice - it's a practice for your ego in letting go and seeing your own stubbornness, defensiveness and demanding ways, and it's a practice for your heart in opening, softening, and letting life be in flow.

We don't own our partners, their energy, their schedules or their time. When we approach relationship as though we're with a best friend rather than someone who owes us something, the whole dynamic changes.

Rather than making assumptions or expecting our partners to guess, we can practice direct communication. Rather than choosing to escalate conflict, we can choose to redirect our energy. Rather than hoping for our partners to chase us, we can ask for what we want.

@sheleanaaiyana

Ever heard that if you get triggered in your relat

Ever heard that if you get triggered in your relationship it's your problem? That your wounds are solely up to you and that your partner has nothing to do with it?

Here's why that's not entirely true. We enter into relationship with people who "match" our wounds in the sense that usually we bring opposite challenges to the table.

If one person is more avoidant, the other person is more anxious. If one person is more expressive with their fire/anger, the other person may be more watery or even upset by the expression of anger even when it's not directed at them... this is just how it goes and it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship!

That is, IF both partners become ally's in each others healing and show up with mutual willingness and curiosity and a compassionate heart.

Conscious Relationship is a space of co-creation. It's the willingness to acknowledge that we aren't perfect, that we are contributing to whatever pattern that we're in, and then being courageous enough to show up in a way that challenges us.

This means if there's an avoidant and an anxious type in the dynamic, the avoidant challenges themselves to slow down and lean in and be more present with their own feelings as well as their partners instead of shutting down. And the anxious person learns how to take a pause, return to their body, and focus on self-soothing for a moment before launching an attack or making demands.

Co-creation is the energy of mutual participation in healing. We say, I see your wounds and I love you. I see how my conditioning and reactive responses must hurt because it reminds you of xyz from your own childhood, and when you respond like this, it reminds me of my own. Let's work together to transform this pattern, let's learn to lean into love rather than do what we've always done.

If you're not willing to do this, and you believe your partners wounds have nothing to do with you, most likely the relationship isn't going to evolve past where it's at now, and it might even die.

But if you are willing, then the pattern can and will change.

@sheleanaaiyana

When working with relationship patterns, it's ofte

When working with relationship patterns, it's often the things we are doing to keep the love that waters it down. What do I mean by this?

For the past few years I have run Becoming the One Group Coaching sessions. Time and time again, women will describe their dilemma to me - the person they were dating dropped off the map, things were going so well and then all of a sudden they pulled their energy back, they ghosted etc.

Usually when we get to the core of the story, these women were holding back some aspect of their authentic voice. A boundary, a need, a desire, a non-negotiable, or even a vulnerable aspect of themselves that felt tender and unlovable.

One woman pondered out loud on a call "I think maybe I used my voice too soon because we were only a few months in and as soon as I set a boundary and asked for a need to be met, he ghosted me".

I can promise you, the challenge is never that you are using your voice too soon, it's that you're not using it soon enough.

There's a difference between projecting your demands onto a person, and standing authentically in your truth, using your voice and being whole in yourself while stepping into relationship with another being.

The challenge when we hold back is we condition people to expect us to always be the way we're presenting. Subdued, "super easy going", needless, compliant, and none of these things create polarity - the necessary energetics and chemistry that make the relationship interesting. A little bit of healthy challenge is a good thing. We're not talking chaos here.

If a person is only in it because they think they don't have to show up and you suddenly change the game, they may bow out.

Withholding our energy always creates problems. No matter what, bringing yourself to the table and taking the risk to show up as who you truly are is always the answer.

That doesn't mean you won't get a no sometimes, or that magically people will always communicate with maturity and grace.

It means you stand firm in who you are and set the tone from the start. It means be willing to release those who aren't aligned for you without making it mean something about your worth.

@sheleanaaiyana

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